Last year I was unexpectedly, and I would argue, undeservedly, fired from my job. I have myriad hypotheses as to why exactly it happened or what I could have done to prevent it. These are complex, multi-faceted hypotheses whose iterations I have spent countless hours turning over in my mind while at work, while out with friends, while trying to sleep, any time, all the time. Out loud, in my head, on paper. It doesn't matter that I have more to-do items than I have time to accomplish. It doesn't matter that I know I can't change anything in the past. It doesn't matter how much friends, family, co-workers, and students have confirmed the injustice and validated both my shock and my weak, but still existent, confidence as a teacher. No matter how hard I try, I just haven't been able to put it out of my mind with any kind of permanence.
And it effects me almost every day. When I have to drive by (or, god forbid, enter) my old school, the old wounds re-open. When I have a moment of disagreement or dissatisfaction with my current administration, the fear creeps in. When I have bad moments with current students, the regret bubbles in my stomach. When I talk to old co-workers, it inevitably comes up, and the pain/anger sears so hot, it's hard to hide.
I find myself filled with questions. I've never been fired before, and I don't think of myself as the firing type, but is that what everyone who is fired says? I didn't really see it coming, but should I have? Would others have seen the writing on the wall? How do my old administrators view it, or do they ever even think about it? Do they feel any regret?
I had to write this tonight, because I found myself crying about it. And I know it's crazy. It's straight up crazy. Feel free to judge me, because I judge me. It has been over four months. I'm only writing, because I needed to try something different. Heaven knows, what I've tried so far hasn't worked.
