Getting Fired: A Cautionary Tale

Last year I was unexpectedly, and I would argue, undeservedly, fired from my job. I have myriad hypotheses as to why exactly it happened or what I could have done to prevent it. These are complex, multi-faceted hypotheses whose iterations I have spent countless hours turning over in my mind while at work, while out with friends, while trying to sleep, any time, all the time. Out loud, in my head, on paper. It doesn't matter that I have more to-do items than I have time to accomplish. It doesn't matter that I know I can't change anything in the past. It doesn't matter how much friends, family, co-workers, and students have confirmed the injustice and validated both my shock and my weak, but still existent, confidence as a teacher. No matter how hard I try, I just haven't been able to put it out of my mind with any kind of permanence.

And it effects me almost every day. When I have to drive by (or, god forbid, enter) my old school, the old wounds re-open. When I have a moment of disagreement or dissatisfaction with my current administration, the fear creeps in. When I have bad moments with current students, the regret bubbles in my stomach. When I talk to old co-workers, it inevitably comes up, and the pain/anger sears so hot, it's hard to hide.

I find myself filled with questions. I've never been fired before, and I don't think of myself as the firing type, but is that what everyone who is fired says? I didn't really see it coming, but should I have? Would others have seen the writing on the wall? How do my old administrators view it, or do they ever even think about it? Do they feel any regret?

I had to write this tonight, because I found myself crying about it. And I know it's crazy. It's straight up crazy. Feel free to judge me, because I judge me. It has been over four months. I'm only writing, because I needed to try something different. Heaven knows, what I've tried so far hasn't worked.

Teacher Appreciation Week

This week is National Teacher Appreciation Week, and yes, you should feel guilty if you didn't know or if you didn't fund 100% of a state's teacher donation accounts like Steven Colbert. I got all kinds of swag from my school - a consortium tee shirt, a consortium gym bag, and a free lunch. But nothing can compare to the beautiful notes I received from students. I received 51 total notes and every note felt better than that delicious, free barbecue.

I chose as few of my favorite as possible. Some were my favorite because they were so beautiful, some were funny, and others were from completely unexpected sources. I am going to treasure these forever, and so I will save them where they can't get lost (since I already lost one of my favorite from reading it repeatedly (and apparently in unusual places)).

 

 

 My lost favorite note said this: "Thank you for always talking to me when you see I can use an ear and a friend. I really love when you laugh at me because it shows that you are human and can have fun with your students. You made it so easy to come to talk to you when I first became homeless. There is a reason I came to you first. You really stepped up to the plate with giving me those plates of food and changed everything for me. I wanna say a lot more, but words will not express enough what I really want to say."

I'm feeling pretty dang appreciated. I love these kids.

Jamiah's Selfie with Michelle

Last week we had the opportunity to go on a field trip with our seniors to Detroit Decision Day where seniors from schools throughout Detroit celebrated their college acceptance and enrollment for next year. Kids got tee shirts, bags, and hats from the schools they were attending, and speakers included Jim Harbaugh (University of Michigan football coach), Ciara, and Michelle Obama.

Before the event I kept bragging to Ben that I was going to get a selfie with Michelle. I was pretty close to getting a selfie, if you consider sitting a football field away and watching her on the Jumbotron similar to a selfie. But, one of my favorite students, Jamiah, who was our school representative got to see her up close and personal. Plus, because she was right behind Michelle during the speech, she is in almost every picture of the event. Pretty much, Jamiah and Michelle are best friends. Jamiah is on the right right next to Michelle's head in the picture below.

 

Michelle's speech was inspiring to me personally, and I think the whole event was meaningful to my students. It was great to be a part of it. Truthfully, kind of surreal. Just one more thing exciting my students about college.

Stretching Cry

Today I cried a stretching cry. You might be thinking what does that mean?  Maybe you're thinking, really Hillary, another weird metaphor? Yet, more likely, you're thinking "I don't exist. Who does Hillary even think is reading this blog post with a name like Stretching Cry?"

Well, today, I had a very negative interaction with a parent over the phone. It basically involved them calling me too young and then calling my professionalism / skill set into question. It really hurt. Since then, I've been storing up this big cry session. It's been threatening to come out all day, but it really was just scattered showers before the big event.

I worked my normal hours (from 6:45 to 8:30, obviously) and when I got home I decided to relax and de-stress by making myself cookies (fat kid). In the middle of making my cookies I got sidetracked by helping three kids via text with my physics lab. I wrote down examples on pieces of paper, took pictures, and texted it to them to help them see how to do it. I felt exhausted but I did it. Then I got back to my cookies just minutes before I received a phone call from another student. I spent about 40 minutes helping him to help a friend with their math homework. It was difficult to respond the way I should after the 20th and 21st question, but I kept at it.

After I got off the phone, I was just in time for a scheduled personal issue (not related to school) where I was forced to either be my best self of suffer the consequences. Surprisingly, I rose to the occasion yet again. Exhausted I crossed my last finish line (unless you count making cookies, I still haven't quite finished that...sad day).

Then came the big event.

The tears. They were the kind that come from the gut yet don't make a sound. They were the kind where your face is stretched so tight that pressure builds in your cheeks and forehead. The kind where your whole body is pretty tensed up, all focusing on the main event, the crying.

As I was crying, I reflected on my day, and identified the feeling as being stretched. It matched my physical and emotional feeling at the time.

Today I was stretched. I was pushed past what I thought I could handle and then given an extra few issues to deal with. It was painful but I survived. I'm stretching and growing. And sometimes that comes with some trials and some growing pains.

Hopefully, now that I'm all stretched out, tomorrow won't be half as painful.

Itchy Sweater

Some days really aren't that bad...compared to how they feel in my mind.

It might have been because of high expectations, but today just felt like a mini-series of unfortunate events. It was one of those days when cords just wouldn't reach the outlet, when there just wasn't quite enough space on my students' guided notes, and when the alarm went off right in the middle of my dream. Why, alarm, must you take away my sacred REM sleep?

Lots of little complaints from my students and lots of little complaints from me. Sigh. It makes for a day like one of those sweaters that isn't so itchy you don't buy it, but it's just itchy enough to bother you all freakin' day.

Enough with the whiny metaphors. I'm ready for tomorrow!

Here is my funny story for the day:

I brought cookies for my advisory student of the week this week, and he promptly sold them to the highest bidder. $6, in case you were wondering, is the going price for a batch of snickerdoodles with all of Ms. John's pride and love baked into them. I didn't know whether to feel irritated that he sold them or flattered that they would sell at all. So I chose to laugh...but also, mainly still feel a combination of irritation and flattery, because let's not lie, I'm not decisive enough to just choose laughter.

Here is my positive text for the day: 
Some of my students are extra amazing and are planning to retake the ACT again. They remind me every day how much hard work can pay off. Here is yet another student re-enlisting to study for the ACT all over again. I guess he has nothing else to do...since basketball season has been over for all of 4 days...

Positivity Dump

I know, I know. Another loving, braggy post about my students. It's getting old. If you aren't interested, definitely skip this! Don't look back! Don't look the beast in the eye.

I feel right now like all the time and effort I have put into building these relationships with my kids is really paying off. To be clear, I have L-O-V-E-D them from day one; that is not something I've had to work at because my kids are amazing. But, relationships are much more than that. They are listening and time and trust. At times, it's taken a lot of my energy to give those things.

As I said, I have been trying really, really hard, and I don't just love my students anymore, I feel truly close to them.

This is a positivity dump with screen shots of amazing texts from my students mixed in with some hilarious selfies they've taken on my phone. All of these texts are from within the last 7 days. So you will probably begin to see why I'm feeling good right now. (The selfies are about 95% of my selfies from the whole year, just to clarify)

Starting with my personal favorite...I just love how indifferent he looks in this picture. Makes me laugh.

 

 

 

  Oh man, these texts give me the feels. Reading them makes me feel like I'm starring in a Disney movie (preferably as Jasmine, because we all know she's the best).

I know that next week, and over the next few months, there will be many moments and days where it's more this:

than this..

I've had so many moments where I have failed and I had to pick myself back up. Lessons failed. Exampled failed. Bullying discussions/interventions failed (don't get me started on that one). But with these beautiful, climactic, now we can play all day in the sun moments I think I could make it through Ursula's horrible scary song a million more times.

I don't know if I've shed more tears in pride and validation or fear and frustration at this point. And that's a huge growth since last semester.

All I Do is win win win

If you've seen my facebook account recently, then you know that my school's basketball team won districts. 

We also won our game tonight, Monday, and are headed to regionals on Wednesday. This whole tournament confuses me. I keep getting misinformed/confused about which game is which. But still, we are working our way steadily through the tournament. 

These boys have been making me proud all season both on and off the basketball court. They're all A and B students in my class and genuinely great people. This is a group chat we all shared where I texted them a picture of my facebook status.

(You'll have to bear with the formatting...because I am the worst...And I've already spent more time on this than I should)

My theme song right now. If you are sensitive to inappropriate music videos, then just listen, please don't watch. I don't want that innocent blood on my hands.

Biggest Loser

On Friday we got to take the whole senior class to Dave & Buster's (link just in case you don't know anything about it, like I didn't). In short, it is Chuck E Cheese for adults with an arcade and adult food. It was a reward from my principal/superintendent for reaching our goal of 100% FAFSA completion by our students. This was a huge victory for us, one that the teaching staff poured a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into.  

It was great to see my students have unadulterated fun. This wasn't fun tainted by physics problems or concepts, or fun combined with stress in a real competition. This was just fun. I don't think they get that a lot.

My students got free food (quite a spread actually) and game cards to play. Although we ran out of game cards and I sacrificed mine (I'm really quite the white knight, in case you didn't know), I did manage to drink my weight in Diet Coke and convince a few kids to use the 'minutes' on their card so I could play them.

From the competitions I did participate in, I earned a reputation for being the biggest loser. I literally lost every single game from air hockey to basketball to car racing. I tried to start a rumor that I was letting them win, but to no avail.

At the end of the day, I got a picture with 19/21 members of my advisory. One student was absent and one was still in the arcade when it was time to go (which I figured out right after this picture). In this picture, they are all holding out their dog tags with their cap and gown pictures on them. I'm wearing one that a student gave me. I'm also laughing because the girls said I looked too nice in the picture and that I needed to look hard. This was a pure joy moment.

For the record, there's Will, Dawan, Delionte, Chris, Larry, Mikel, Keyon, James, Montay, Eric, Leon, Jeremiah, Adafa, Trevon, Dionta, Jevon, Dorian, Will, and Cameron (Korin in arcade and Alexis absent)