Last year I was unexpectedly, and I would argue, undeservedly, fired from my job. I have myriad hypotheses as to why exactly it happened or what I could have done to prevent it. These are complex, multi-faceted hypotheses whose iterations I have spent countless hours turning over in my mind while at work, while out with friends, while trying to sleep, any time, all the time. Out loud, in my head, on paper. It doesn't matter that I have more to-do items than I have time to accomplish. It doesn't matter that I know I can't change anything in the past. It doesn't matter how much friends, family, co-workers, and students have confirmed the injustice and validated both my shock and my weak, but still existent, confidence as a teacher. No matter how hard I try, I just haven't been able to put it out of my mind with any kind of permanence.
And it effects me almost every day. When I have to drive by (or, god forbid, enter) my old school, the old wounds re-open. When I have a moment of disagreement or dissatisfaction with my current administration, the fear creeps in. When I have bad moments with current students, the regret bubbles in my stomach. When I talk to old co-workers, it inevitably comes up, and the pain/anger sears so hot, it's hard to hide.
I find myself filled with questions. I've never been fired before, and I don't think of myself as the firing type, but is that what everyone who is fired says? I didn't really see it coming, but should I have? Would others have seen the writing on the wall? How do my old administrators view it, or do they ever even think about it? Do they feel any regret?
I had to write this tonight, because I found myself crying about it. And I know it's crazy. It's straight up crazy. Feel free to judge me, because I judge me. It has been over four months. I'm only writing, because I needed to try something different. Heaven knows, what I've tried so far hasn't worked.
It's crazy that they fired you, the best teacher in the school, even by their stupid standards (most improved ACT scores, most students from advisory on honor roll, and so on and so forth). It's a sign that the administration was crazy.
ReplyDeleteShould you have seen it coming? No, but in retrospect, given the general paranoia of that administration (which they constantly made clear), and the fact that you let them know when you felt that they had made mistakes, and the fact that you were so popular with the students (and the other teachers!), I guess maybe you could have seen it coming. But only if you assumed the worst about the administration, which turned out to be sadly true. They didn't care if you were a good teacher, they didn't care that your students achieving so much and that they were so motivated. They only cared that you didn't "toe the line", suck up to the administration, and only talk about how wonderful everything at the school was. So, it was never about the students (they don't care about the students) and only about the administration and their own egos.
So, the only way to avoid being fired in that situation is NEVER to speak out, never say that there is something you think will affect the students negatively, and only say rosy things about the administration...publicly. Which is what most of the teachers did, but you struggle with, because of your integrity (its hard for you to think something, say those things privately, but lie when you are asked what you think publicly).
I think you are a wonderful teacher, and a person of integrity, and I wouldn't have you change either thing.
Ditto what mom said. That school is nuts and I want to go yell at that principal for you kind of but mostly for the students at that school. He punished everyone. Idiot.
ReplyDeleteI don't often use the word hate but I seriously hate that guy.
It's hard to be an unbiased angle on a situation like that when you yourself are involved. So listen to the people around you. I know it's hard (it was hard for me with my last job to believe what everyone else was saying). It was not you, it was them/him. I have 100% confidence in this fact.
It makes complete sense that you are still very scarred by being fired. I don't judge you in the slightest. You gave everything you had to that job and those kids, you made yourself incredibly vulnerable by trying something completely out of your comfort zone. You put up with a lot of unnecessary crap from the administration and dotted every i because you were trying to do your job the best you could. I feel like I hear people have PTSD from teach for america alone...but you had an even more unique situation at your school. Being fired unexpectedly combined being shamed and wronged, embarrassed and backstabbed. You made yourself vulnerable and even almost quit at the beginning, but then you made it to the end and thought that you came out on top because of all the success you had with your students...and they stole that joy from you. They decided their agenda was more important than all the good you did.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some advice for how to overcome those awful negative emotions you are feeling. But I don't, just maybe a few guesses. All I can say is that those emotions are real and valid. Don't stuff them away. I am guessing that time is the most important factor in healing. I would even consider a counselor or therapist...seriously. One or two sessions is good for anybody at anytime. And prayer.
If you very want to vent or cry about it and Ben isn't available- give me a call.
I always forget to check your blog. This entry made me sad. I wish you could be confident in how awesome you are. But I understand getting fired obviously makes you question yourself, even if everyone else knows how awesome you are.
ReplyDelete